Advice for Writers

Over the years, people have asked me, “Nick, how do you do it?” OK, actually, nobody has ever asked me that. Still, here are a few important lessons about writing which you won’t find in any class or textbook, which I will graciously share with you:

1. Great writers have the letter “R” in their name. Sound ludicrous? Just look at these names:

Dan BRown

F. Scott FitzgeRald

GeoRge R.R. MaRtin

H.P. LovecRaft

J.K. Rowling

J.R.R. Tolkien

R. Scott BakkeR

Rick Riordan

R.A. SalvatoRe

TeRRy Goodkind

William ShakespeaRe

Stephen R. King

Apparently, the more R’s the better. Also, it’s good if you can abbreviate your name with a bunch of letters.

2. Great writers have bad hair. The reasoning behind this is simple: great writers are too busy alleviating their sickness to think about their hair. This theorem also works in reverse; people with great hairstyles are bad writers, although there may be an exception for female writers as one of my feminist friends has pointed out.

3. Lastly, but just as important as the other two, great writers write their ass off. Literally. If you’re ass isn’t hurting when you get off that chair from editing at least two or three times a week, you won’t stand a chance at getting published (unless you’re Pamela Anderson).

If you’ve read my bio, this may seem like deja vu, because the same advice appeared there. I have since written an extensive new ending to my bio, which you can (and should) read by clicking the Bio link at the top of this blog. To make room for it, I had to ax this part, but since I hate to waste good material, I decided to recycle it by posting it here. 

Sincerely,
N.R.R. Alimonos

3 thoughts on “Advice for Writers

  1. Neil Gaiman. Isaac Asimov. C. S. Lewis. James Joyce. A. A. Milne. Jane Austen. John Keats. James Boswell. John Milton. John Bunyan. Jean de Meung. Plato. Sophocles. Aeschylus. Sappho. Not an R in the lot of them.

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  2. No 'Rs'? Nick Alimonos has a fantastic 'Rs', I'll have you know! I've seen pictures of it, all over the damned Internet, and let me tell you, ..a finer, manlier pair of Spartan hams cannot be found!

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